conscious contentment;

So I for a few months now, I have been mulling on how come off as quite a stoic and at times seemingly discontent person.

I tend to acknowledge that where I am today in life is an aggregation of several factors that are not a part of a consequence of my action(s). I realise that I am fortunate to have been blessed with the political, socio-economic, physical and mental conditions that have allowed me to pursue and position myself to be the person I am today.  

For example, I strongly associate my work ethic and learning/mental habits with having grown up in Singapore and studied in the Singaporean education system. I am aware that the education system in Singapore is the best in the world (no exaggeration here, this is based on objective metrics). For those conspiracy theorists out there who consider such studies rigged, this education system has proved holistic in a manner that it has students that excel in every conceivable field of study. However, I have almost always dwelled on the highly competitive and rigorous nature of the system that conflates talent with grades. I am accutely aware that growing up in an efficient, organised and physically safe place like Singapore has nurtured me to be the person I am today. 

I struggle to realize and accept that it isn't solely my good fortune that added up to who I am today. But it would highly conceited to say that it is solely my choices and deliberate actions that have led me to be here today.  I am starting to internalize that I have an active role to play in who I have made of myself and who I will make of myself.

I am someone who speaks up on how the current place, people or motifs/ideas I associate myself could do better or what they seem to lack in (based on my humble opinion and retrospection). I am someone who is critical (to a certain degree) towards (almost) everything she associates herself with (including herself lmao).

The problem is, I was not content with "who I have made of myself" and "the person I am".

Despite NUS ranking as one of the best universities in the world and my department is ranking very highly in the world...I have never particularly expressed amazement/pride in being associated with it. It had never overwhelmed me that I have graduated from an institution that many can only dream to be accepted into. I have never been effusive of how NUS has shaped me to be the vocal, incisive and confident person I was (I was not half as assertive 5 years back). Instead, I am quick to mention how XYZ institution is more glorious etc.

When I recently started working at PwC, I had not internalised the immense stature of the company on a global and national level. I was surprised to find out that it was ranked the top 10 (8th) most powerful brands in the world (not just for the Finance industry!). Now while this might seem like nothing much at first glance, if one reads the report on rankings here, it is quite an impressive feat to be featured on a list where brands like Facebook, ExxonMobil and BCG (Boston Consulting Group) are not featured. (Sidenote: It amazes me as to how Lego is ranked above Google). Don't get me wrong, I was grateful for the opportunity that PwC has accorded me to pursue a career in an industry that is never out of fashion, but also that working in cybersecurity in defense gives me a novel intellectual challenge. (PLUS DOES NOT INVOLVE SDE, PRAISE THE LORD) But I had never given credit to myself for having worked towards clinching the position and choosing the role. 

However, again, I have never been effusive about it. Never gone to great lengths to speak of its merits and the diversified opportunity. 

As for the people I love and cherish a lot, I do tend to point out or more like, school them, on how they can think, perform or function better, given their circumstances. I seldom vocalize effusively how proud or in awe of what they have achieved.  (This is much like how I treat myself)

Now that I have pointed out this phenomenon that I am prone to, it's only fair to explain why I was mulling over my seeming spanned jadedness. There are 2 main reasons:

Reason 1
I had been in a close relationship(s) with people that made me reflect, consciously acknowledge and verbalise the merits of the several conditions and deliberate choices/actions of mine. They made me realise why it is so important to be content with what you have deliberately chosen/acted upon and what life has provided you with by mere fate.

It is only when I saw how certain people go to great lengths to find comforts and merit in the places, people or choices/actions they associate with, did I realise that I am perhaps too cynical? too critical?
I ought to give credit to the both, the circumstantial blessings in my life and my deliberate work and choices that have led up to the Juhi I am today.

Reason 2 
There was a certain discontentment which kept weighing me down across time, but esp the last few months. This probably stems from fact that I have grown up in an extremely competitive environment that has instilled a perfectionism that translated in MY mind as never being satisfied with what I have achieved or chosen. This is my fault. Let me elucidate.

To better understand the reason why I am spurred to be critical of my calibre-based or choice-based output, I would need to draw attention to the environment in which I grew up:

1.) Part of the reason was due to the schools and kind of students I was surrounded with. My peers set high standards for me and thus, being the "best" was an unattainable goal, even from a tender age of 13. Even if I were the best in my school or a particular domain or subject(which was hard enough), there would be someone scoring national tops. (We have national-level exams at the age of 12) Someone performing phenomenally well on Olympiads, both local and international. When the people you interact with are academic prodigies while being athletic stars/musical prodigies/literary whizzes/mathematical geniuses, what really is "best" anymore? It certainly isn't topping a class or topping a subject or even captaining a sports team. 

Yeah, one might say that this is probably the case for ALL students everywhere right? I mean, yes, all kids grow up with the understanding that someone is doing better than them. You read in the papers that some kid aced etc or clinched etc.Wrong. It is not the same when you are friends with those kids. It is not the same when most of your friends are those academic geniuses and all-rounded whiz kids. In a way, that is why I was never overly proud or satisfied with studying in NUS. Neither was I ever overly pleased with myself for clinching Berkeley or Carnegie. In my eyes, several of the world-renowned and highly meritorious institutions ARE merely average. Why? Because that IS the standard set by my peers. The average is NUS, Ox-bridge, ILs, UoC(Berkeley, LA), UoL(Imperial, UCL, Kings), LSE etc.

2. ) This competitive and perfectionist element was not just due to the education system, but also due to my upbringing. Both my parents value the quality of work and consistency coupled with grade-based merit. While my dad values consistent high-achieving academic output, my mother prized the quality of my output in any domain of my life - including sport and music.  

In the past, this did push me to strive harder in many ways but now, they ironically are the ones calling me out when I unhealthily harness or act on my competitive/perfectionist habit.

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This year, I have realised that I seldom acknowledge the merits of my conscious choices, associations and actions - instead, I attribute a lot of who I am to privilege. I have never acknowledged or internalised my current state to be commendable, but especially due to deliberate action and thought on my part. 

Contentment should not be conflated with complacency. Contentment is something that enables us to recognise the merits of where we reached in our lives and the outcome of our circumstances, associations and choices, in a manner that empowers us to strive harder. It positively reinforces our belief in our capacity. Complacency is a position whereby we deem our current state as "enough" or the peak of our potential. 

I was grateful but not happy with myself. This was a toxic way of thinking in many ways.  This had changed slowly over the past year. I now recognise the merits of these associations, regardless of whether they are a consequence of my choice and efforts or merely circumstantial. I am happier, in a strange sort of way.