dementia, you're driving me crazy;

it's a good song, by owl city. pretty applicable to my state of mind currently.

so almost a month of 3rd Sem is over.

I don't know why, but I feel so emotionally...weighed down.
Not that any matter or person is causing me particular distress.

I feel like I am back at the sec 3/4 mental state.
just that I don't have periods of excessive merriment or light-hearted laughter.

it's the mental distraught that studying literature brought me.
it's back. and it shakes me from the core.
but the tears don't flow.

and now in hindsight,  I realise how conditioned I am to rush, move, wind around...
a sense of false motion.
but when I stop to think, nights like today.
whereby I just read verses of well-written books,
I can finally understand how Beatty and Mildred felt.

I feel so heavy in the chest.
not that my conscience is weighed down by guilt...
but, connecting with my feeling and ruminative side is just overwhelming me so greatly.

what you’re doing 
where you are 
whether you’re awake or asleep 
& although it all doesn’t matter anymore 
i still wish i was in your life 
like you’re a part of mine
& sometimes i can’t help but wonder 
if you think about me from time to time
does your mind wander
and your thoughts drift 
to how you held my hand

picked me up

and pushed me down 

to let me get up

(do you tear at the thought of me?)

as much as it might give the impression that it refers to some estranged lover of mine...

it isn't.

today, we need to understand that a teenager or adolescent is capable of craving affection from so many (empty,forlorn) relationships other than just from a lover or a boyfriend or girlfriend. 

maybe I can laugh light-heartedly w/o being surprised at my capacity to be child-like and happy again. someday.